Frustration

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out.... and what's worse is that I only understand some of my emotions.  That's frustrating for me- I don't like not understanding what I'm feeling.  And its even more frustrating because here i am pouring my heart out on a blog, not to my husband... because I can't.  I hate this.

he doesnt get it.
and then in a moment when he finally decides to give in- it is for the wrong reasons, he's only doing it because by now i have been trying to get him to for the past hour.... so now its giving in to my longing and not for my correction.  that isnt right.  so then i dont want him to.... just forget it ok? just go to bed, i'll be there in a bit.  when??  whenever I want to.  yeah I know im supposed to be in bed by 130.... cuz im the one who set the curfew.  you're sure as heck not gonna do anything to help enforce it.  please leave me alone.  i want to cry.  and I dont want to upset you by doing so.  cuz you dont understand.  i feel sick.

why is my heart breaking?? over THIS??  why do i feel so rejected?  its not like he has belittled me or put me down... he would never do such a thing.  he hasn't pushed me out the door or out of the bed... he would never do that either.  He is such a wonderful husband.
i want him to care enough to do it, i want him to care enough to want to understand.
i know you're tired.  you think im not??  but show me that you care enough to do this that even though you are tired you will still do it.  that you care enough. that you care.  care. please.

i know you love me.  why is this such an issue?  do you really think that i want someone else to take this role?  at least take on some of it. please. im begging you.  but i wont beg you. 

i feel more lost and confused right now than i ever have about anything before in my life.

does the feeling of rejection come from 'i dont care enough to do it... to the point that im not only willing to let you, but i am pushing you to go to someone else about it.'  maybe so.

silly me for even thinking that he would do it if i asked him to.  silly dummy me.  nevermind that the infraction is what it is....  

i wont ask again.  ever.  i know myself well enough to know that i will not bring it up, i will not talk about my conversations with others in this world, i will not tell him about my sessions.  not in a defiant or controlling way and im not hiding anything.  i just wont talk anymore.  its just how i am.

i have chosen to 'acknowledge' this aspect of my life... these needs... as being somewhat normal.  it was not easy.  it has been so hard to actually voice it.  maybe that plays into the whole rejection thing as well- it is so hard to open up about it, that when you do and the one person you love and trust more than anyone in this world...

how oh how did i get here.