Explanation

Well that was one big emotional mess there wasn't it? I literally just sat down and started typing.  Ugh.  I was extremely upset.  First of all I need to say that for the most part that was not actual conversation that ocurred between us... mostly thoughts.

The situation is this... and please forgive me if I am repeating things I posted before... I approached him with CDD a few years ago.  A lot of it made sense to him.  Way out of his personality though... but he did spank me a few times.. and it worked.  Then he stopped.  It doesn't cross his mind.  Well it does cross mine and it does so quite a bit... but now (within the past month or two) I understand more about me NEEDING spanking in my life.

So I have been meeting with a couple that mentor/discipline women.  We have had several meetings and things are going really well (although my butt may disagree with that!).  My husband is very supportive of this.  For the most part he does see that discipline works for me. 

I had a major infraction yesterday.  With no excuses other than I was just irresponsible.  My husband knows this as well as Sir.  Sir and I chatted online for a while last night before I went home and it came up (by me I think) about having my husband "take care of it" when I got home.  So I decided to try that approach.  HOH does know that the goal is for him to eventually meet my mentors and learn from them... and he HAD spanked me before so I thought... "Ok... he knows how much punishment I should be receiving so maybe??"  Hmmmm.... didn't go according to plan. 

I think at first he didn't know I was serious.  But once he did realize it, he did not communicate at all.  So at that point I was trying to figure out if he is or isn't going to do it.  This led to me being frustrated.  Then at whatever point he finally agreed to it (which he still wasn't clear about)... he had already voiced that he was tired and also that he thought I preferred Sir to do it.  So when he decided to, I knew it was simply to appease me and felt like he was doing it begrudingly- that it had absolutely nothing to do with my misbehavior.  So that's when I broke down... I felt sooo rejected.  And there was so much going through my head at once.  And to make it worse was the confusion I felt... I was having such a hard time processing it all.  When I started crying I told him to just "forget it" which upset him.  I told him that he was not going to understand why I was upset even if I tried to tell him.  He asked me to come to bed, to not stay up too late.  I was just wanting him to go away so I could cry my eyes out.  I honestly didn't want him to see me that upset over all of this... because as much as I was (am) hurt about it, I felt like I needed to protect him because I know that he just truly doesn't understand.  I don't think he is necessarily indifferent.  I don't know the answer to that actually. 
So he went to bed. And I cried... and cried and cried.  I will say that I do appreciate him giving me my space at that point. 
But what I said in the previous post about not bringing it up... I'm serious about that.  I took the paddle and strap that were in our room and put them in my car.  I will not talk about any of this any more.  If he brings it up, fine.  But it won't come from me.

Rejected is the only word I can really think of to describe how I felt.  I felt like he doesn't care.. or at least that he doesn't care enough to do something about my behavior.  Especially since he knows that discipline is what works best for me.  I feel like he is wiping his hands of me... instead of taking care of me himself.  Quotes (from one of the sites):
"Love motivates a husband to DISCIPLINE his wife instead of WATCH her walk into a ditch and not stop her.  It is reassurance that her husband is actively choosing to love her.”

“…. (discipline is) a reassurance that her husband is actively choosing to love her.”

I feel like he is watching me walk into the ditch.  Hopefully this entry makes more sense than the previous one... or at least clarifies things.