Explanation

Well that was one big emotional mess there wasn't it? I literally just sat down and started typing.  Ugh.  I was extremely upset.  First of all I need to say that for the most part that was not actual conversation that ocurred between us... mostly thoughts.

The situation is this... and please forgive me if I am repeating things I posted before... I approached him with CDD a few years ago.  A lot of it made sense to him.  Way out of his personality though... but he did spank me a few times.. and it worked.  Then he stopped.  It doesn't cross his mind.  Well it does cross mine and it does so quite a bit... but now (within the past month or two) I understand more about me NEEDING spanking in my life.

So I have been meeting with a couple that mentor/discipline women.  We have had several meetings and things are going really well (although my butt may disagree with that!).  My husband is very supportive of this.  For the most part he does see that discipline works for me. 

I had a major infraction yesterday.  With no excuses other than I was just irresponsible.  My husband knows this as well as Sir.  Sir and I chatted online for a while last night before I went home and it came up (by me I think) about having my husband "take care of it" when I got home.  So I decided to try that approach.  HOH does know that the goal is for him to eventually meet my mentors and learn from them... and he HAD spanked me before so I thought... "Ok... he knows how much punishment I should be receiving so maybe??"  Hmmmm.... didn't go according to plan. 

I think at first he didn't know I was serious.  But once he did realize it, he did not communicate at all.  So at that point I was trying to figure out if he is or isn't going to do it.  This led to me being frustrated.  Then at whatever point he finally agreed to it (which he still wasn't clear about)... he had already voiced that he was tired and also that he thought I preferred Sir to do it.  So when he decided to, I knew it was simply to appease me and felt like he was doing it begrudingly- that it had absolutely nothing to do with my misbehavior.  So that's when I broke down... I felt sooo rejected.  And there was so much going through my head at once.  And to make it worse was the confusion I felt... I was having such a hard time processing it all.  When I started crying I told him to just "forget it" which upset him.  I told him that he was not going to understand why I was upset even if I tried to tell him.  He asked me to come to bed, to not stay up too late.  I was just wanting him to go away so I could cry my eyes out.  I honestly didn't want him to see me that upset over all of this... because as much as I was (am) hurt about it, I felt like I needed to protect him because I know that he just truly doesn't understand.  I don't think he is necessarily indifferent.  I don't know the answer to that actually. 
So he went to bed. And I cried... and cried and cried.  I will say that I do appreciate him giving me my space at that point. 
But what I said in the previous post about not bringing it up... I'm serious about that.  I took the paddle and strap that were in our room and put them in my car.  I will not talk about any of this any more.  If he brings it up, fine.  But it won't come from me.

Rejected is the only word I can really think of to describe how I felt.  I felt like he doesn't care.. or at least that he doesn't care enough to do something about my behavior.  Especially since he knows that discipline is what works best for me.  I feel like he is wiping his hands of me... instead of taking care of me himself.  Quotes (from one of the sites):
"Love motivates a husband to DISCIPLINE his wife instead of WATCH her walk into a ditch and not stop her.  It is reassurance that her husband is actively choosing to love her.”

“…. (discipline is) a reassurance that her husband is actively choosing to love her.”

I feel like he is watching me walk into the ditch.  Hopefully this entry makes more sense than the previous one... or at least clarifies things. 

Frustration

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out.... and what's worse is that I only understand some of my emotions.  That's frustrating for me- I don't like not understanding what I'm feeling.  And its even more frustrating because here i am pouring my heart out on a blog, not to my husband... because I can't.  I hate this.

he doesnt get it.
and then in a moment when he finally decides to give in- it is for the wrong reasons, he's only doing it because by now i have been trying to get him to for the past hour.... so now its giving in to my longing and not for my correction.  that isnt right.  so then i dont want him to.... just forget it ok? just go to bed, i'll be there in a bit.  when??  whenever I want to.  yeah I know im supposed to be in bed by 130.... cuz im the one who set the curfew.  you're sure as heck not gonna do anything to help enforce it.  please leave me alone.  i want to cry.  and I dont want to upset you by doing so.  cuz you dont understand.  i feel sick.

why is my heart breaking?? over THIS??  why do i feel so rejected?  its not like he has belittled me or put me down... he would never do such a thing.  he hasn't pushed me out the door or out of the bed... he would never do that either.  He is such a wonderful husband.
i want him to care enough to do it, i want him to care enough to want to understand.
i know you're tired.  you think im not??  but show me that you care enough to do this that even though you are tired you will still do it.  that you care enough. that you care.  care. please.

i know you love me.  why is this such an issue?  do you really think that i want someone else to take this role?  at least take on some of it. please. im begging you.  but i wont beg you. 

i feel more lost and confused right now than i ever have about anything before in my life.

does the feeling of rejection come from 'i dont care enough to do it... to the point that im not only willing to let you, but i am pushing you to go to someone else about it.'  maybe so.

silly me for even thinking that he would do it if i asked him to.  silly dummy me.  nevermind that the infraction is what it is....  

i wont ask again.  ever.  i know myself well enough to know that i will not bring it up, i will not talk about my conversations with others in this world, i will not tell him about my sessions.  not in a defiant or controlling way and im not hiding anything.  i just wont talk anymore.  its just how i am.

i have chosen to 'acknowledge' this aspect of my life... these needs... as being somewhat normal.  it was not easy.  it has been so hard to actually voice it.  maybe that plays into the whole rejection thing as well- it is so hard to open up about it, that when you do and the one person you love and trust more than anyone in this world...

how oh how did i get here.

Today's Session

Ow.  Holy crap I hurt.

My First Real Discipline

So I knew that it wouldn't take me long to earn myself a discipline session.  The next day in fact.  One of my major problem areas- well I had problems right off the bat.  But that is the very reason why I am seeking help.... I obviously haven't been successful correcting my behavior on my own.  I was going to a spanking party a few days later and so we decided to wait for the discipline until after that.  I had no idea what to expect;  but here is how it went:
He greeted me with a hug, then we sat and talked.  We talked.... about a few different things that I can't really even recall but the point is, it wasn't just directly to  "You messed up, now bend over!"  I was very comfortable, relaxed even.  I knew that I could trust him.  We started talking about my problem area and how I messed up a few days in a row.  Per our agreement at our first meeting, I had earned myself quite a lickin'.  There was a scolding without it feeling really like a scolding- I was being reminded of what I already knew.
So he lowered my jeans and I bent over the arm of the couch.  He lowered my panties at that point and started with a warm up with his hand.  I was already squirming and "owing" during this point.  Remember in my previous post I mentioned the "Oh shit!" moment?  Well... this was one of those moments.  And I was a getting anxious because this was the warm up!... with his hand!  I still had more than 50 coming with his belt!!  F*#@!  So he stopped spanking with his hand and started with the belt.... I counted out my first 25.  He asked how I was doing.  I told him it hurt more on the right than the left.... so he switched over to stand on my other side to even things out.  So I counted out my next 25.  There were a few times that it took a lot for me to speak.  Moments where I was in a lot of pain- moments that he would take a slight pause to let me take a breath... and that brief moment also allows me to keep my head- my mental state- in the right spot.  (The mental aspect of spanking for a woman is very in-depth.  I have read about it, but understanding it is very different- it can only come from being there!  But being as in depth as it is, and seeing as how this post is specific to my first discipline... I will post more on that at another time.)  Anyway... he landed the last five or so pretty dang hard.  Much more force as he was finishing up.  He sat down next to me and stroked my hair.  He asked me how I was doing.  Talked a little bit.  I don't know about what... I remember him stroking my hair, I was still bent over the couch, I was so... secure (?).  Remember I also said that I had 2 days of irresponsibility... so I asked if I could go ahead and have half today.  He agreed.  So I counted out 25 more.  Yes, it hurt.  But I made it.  I knew I would.  Even in moments when I thought I couldn't, I knew I could.  He rubbed some lotion on my bottom and pulled my panties up for me.  I stood up and pulled my jeans back on.  He hugged me. 
My journal:
"Similarly to last time, it hurts so, so bad, but you stay right there.  Bent over the end of the couch.... not thinking about anything much but the rise and fall of the strap.  The sensation that shoots through your backside- in every single inch of where that strap has landed.  Thinking about 'I know this is right.  I know I deserve this.  I brought this on myself.' 'That one really hurt... can I seriously take more?'  He is very in tune.  He knows I can.  He detects when I am on the brink of not being able to, and stops very briefly, rubs a little, lets me find my breath... then continues.  Rising and falling.. until our agreed upon level of punishment is met."

Further from my journal-
"I've been very surprised by how much warm-up/ hand-spanking hurts!  The only thing I can figure is that there is not really any 'break' there.  With the strap or belt, there is an (every sooo slight) delay between each strike.  Not so with hand spanking. It is constant hitting.  The belt:  WHACK... (ooww)... WHACK.... (oww!)...WHACK...
The hand:  SMACK-SMACK-SMACK-SMACK-SMACK-SMACK  (with a more continuous ooowww!!) 
Seriously... the belt is about ONE every 2-3 seconds.  The hand is SEVERAL per one second.  Maybe this is similar to why I don't like the paddles- the small OTK ones.  the implement itself hurts really bad but there is the added issue of it being non-stop like the hand...."

Hmmm.. so that was my journaling that day.  But that last part makes sense!!  Anyway.. I bruised quite a bit from the belt discipline... more around the outer parts of my butt, near my hips--- from where the belt wraps around, the end of it lands.  I now understand what people mean when they mention that.  There was more stingy-ness and tenderness across the lower part of my butt after our first meeting.  I may mention that tomorrow when we meet.... craziness I know!!  But its what we do.  And yes... tomorrow.

Well... at this point its more like in a few hours.  I have earned myself even worse punishment.  For still not meeting our standards on my problem area but also because I treated my husband like crap the other night.  I was very irritated with him... and justifiably so, he was wrong in his actions... but I had no right to speak to him (yelling was more like it) like I did.  No one should be treated that way, especially someone I love and respect.  My HOH.  And when I mentioned to my mentor that I behaved that way... well, it didn't go over well!  I'm nervous about what this entails!  He will likely give me exactly what any strict HOH would give their wife.... because my husband won't, my Sir will.  I dread it physically... but I want it, mentally.  I want to be held accountable for the way I treated him.  This is what so much of DD is about.  But... that gets back into the mental part again, which like I said, is for another post.... this one is plenty lengthy!

So, til next time....

The First Time

I met with my disciplinarians for the first time a couple of weeks ago- we talked about a lot of things, getting to know each other.  We further discussed my problem areas and how best to address them.  I got my first spanking.  My first spanking as an adult that didn't involve my having to coach (as I did with my husband).  I knew that I would be getting spanked at our meeting.  He showed me all of the different implements he owns and said he would warm up with his hand and then try out the various implements so I could get a "feel" of them, and he could gauge my responses to each.  So that's what we did.  Hand, a couple of smaller wooden paddles/spoons, leather strap, my own belt... and I honestly don't know what else.  I let him know what hurt and what I liked or didn't like about each one.... not that I LOVED any of them!  But I knew that leather I could take, wood is too much.  And the only way I could really explain that is- the leather (strap, belt) hurt but I felt like they were do-able.  The wood-  I feel overwhelmed and would start shutting down mentally almost immediately.  So he spanked a bit- and I even asked for more with the strap or belt.  They didn't want to do too much since it was my first real spanking, it wasn't discipline and I was already bruising.  Here are some notes from my journal later:

"It hurt like a son of a gun!  There's a small part of you that just wants it to stop, screaming in your head 'Oh shit!  I can't do this!'  But you do.  And yet as I sit here- very aware of it- with a different pain than that which is in the moment- not only will I not hesitate to go back, I actually want to be back there."

Then 3 days later:
"The other weird thing is, I simply remember that it hurt REALLY bad, but I can't recall HOW it felt.  Of course it may be different after my next visit during which I will take over 50 with the strap!  I (welcome) that moment though- being bent over the chair or laying across his lap, knowing that someone is going to more than adequately meet my needs- and soundly punish me for my misbehavior."

One thing I told my husband- during a conversation we had the day before my first meeting with my mentors- is that I know that these people are going to discipline me- truly discipline me.  There is no holding back.  My husband holds back... a lot.  And these people are 'experienced' for a lack of better word and know what to do and when to stop, etc.  I know that there will be thorough follow through from them in addressing my wrong-doings.  That drives a different perspective home-  I told him a couple years ago (when we first started discussing DD) that if I knew he was going to spank me for misbehavior that I would likely think twice before doing things!  Well.... there is no doubt that my mentors are going to spank me!!  And spank me good!

So.... that's a bit about the first meeting with them and some of my thoughts.  Nothing too exciting- just my rambling thoughts.

A Little More Info

I stumbled across domestic discipline on line about 3 years ago-  I thought it was all craziness!  But the more I read..... the more I understood it.  It makes a lot of sense.  For me, it makes sense from a Christian perspective.  The structure and order of life is set up in Corinthians (as well as other places in the Bible) describing "God- Christ- Man- Wife- Children"  We are all accountable to God.  And following that, there is accountability all the way through the chain.  There is equality there but there is also an order of responsibility.  And as I read in many places-

“Authority without the ability to create consequences is a denial of the very concept of authority.”

 There are many many sites and articles that deal with this- I don't want to get into it all right now.  But I do ask that you follow some of the links on this blog to fully understand all of this.

My husband and I talked a lot about it.  He completely agrees with the concept of it- it does make sense.  But getting that laid-back, gentle giant, husband of mine to actually do it???  Well, that was a different story!  I did get him to spank me a few times.  Usually at my requests or reminders.  Not to mention the frustration for me of constantly guiding him.... 'topping from the bottom' as I have since learned that's called!  With me having to control things... it defeated the purpose.  I want him in charge.  So that whole part of our life stopped.  For him.... I still crave.  And on levels that I didn't understand until recently.

So... since then I have just read on line, searched a little more.  Very recently I found a site called Spanking Needs.  This site has been my life saver!  The site helped me understand my longing and need for spanking on a whole different level.  AND it made me realize that I am NOT crazy!  Woo hoo!!  I like spanking.  Period.  I want and need it in my life- especially as discipline but even as play.  And I am trying to incorporate both into my life.  You will see as this blog progresses (and as I learn more abut myself) what interests me and what experiences I have.

My current 'set up' is this-  I have met some people through the spanking needs website and have become friends.  Its nice to have people to talk to about these things- people who truly get it, on the same level so to speak.  I have also met a local couple who mentor and discipline people like me.  Right now, they (he) is my disciplinarian.  In the long run, I would like my husband to join me to visit them so he can learn how this works- be 'coached' I guess on how to follow through and truly discipline me.